I couldn’t get around to finishing my studies and papers for my classes during midterms week. Work and study piled up and I was getting frustrated for not being motivated enough to complete them. Worse yet, I was shunning everything that took the slightest energy to move or think. 

After hanging off my bed for a while, I decided to visit the doc. “So young lady, what brings you here?”

I told him about my lack of motivation and inability to finish my work. I think i’ve been getting anxiety attacks too! 

Doc: “Well, we have a case for depression here. Here take these prescription to the pharmacy.” 

Me: “Depression? Are out outta your mind!!!!” 

Doc: “Sorry I meant anger management.” 

Me: “Ok I came here because I needed to know why I lack motivation to finish my work, and you are wrongly diagnosing me with depression. I hate study and work because it’s not aligned with my interest. The fact that I am wasting time in other subjects is very frustrating for me.” 

Doc: “Well now you know where your problems are.” 

I exchanged awkward glances with him and wanted to wanted to knock him out for making me feel like an ass.  

On my way out of the office I read the prescriptions notes … “Drink water and think.”  

I rushed out of the station to call my father and apologize for my lateness. “No worries darling, I’ll leave the office in about fifteen minutes,” he said. 

I wasn’t gonna stand around and loiter on a sidewalk, my childhood days are over apparently. Walked over to the City Hall park and sat in front of the water fountain. I thought i’d finish reading a book I picked up not too long ago.  

One by one, all who’s been passing me by have given me piercing looks. I became so self conscious, thought I was wearing my shirt backwards or something. I wasn’t. Finally, I slapped shut my book. I noticed a family of three couldn’t take their eyes off me as they walk. I gave them a “What is it?” kind of look.

“It’s real cute ma’am, I don’t know if you know or not but you have this huge butterfly on your head.” 

I was stunned. Butterflies, fireflies, ladybugs, even cats and dogs are really pleasing to the eye but I could never bring myself near them. Now to have a butterfly on my head…gah! I moved my head a bit and the pretty critter flitted onto my book, it was huge! Orange and black patterns on its wings. Finally I let out my breath and decided to deal with it, just then it flew away. 

Every single morning of a workday, a miserable feeling comes over me. I feel regret for not being able to tap potential and direct energy into other projects and tasks. 

10:15 am here. I was supposed to be at work by 10. However, I’m in my pj’s wanting to abandon this workplace forever. Without explanation, with out resignation letters, etc.

It would be too easy for some of you to sit there in opposite ends of your screen, and enthusiastically yell “So Quit it!” 
  

Anyone knows how to read/write in standard Hindi/Bengali on here? 

Typical and bastardly of you 
to visit me in my dreams
With spurious placations
Falsities in extremes

Teeming with energy I thought I had lost. I hope I do not get burned in this world. You don’t know what it feels like to be me, with limited knowledge and lacking talent. 

I don’t need any of that fortune, fame and wealth. I do though, crave for normality. I could happily settle for marginal existence at best. A place with heaping warmth inside a house. Wafting scents of clean linen on a clothesline. Sun kissed rays reflected from terracotta walls. Garden plants dancing merrily in the wind. Like a peasant, I can and would work day in and day out…for simplicity’s sake. 

Why I wonder, have used language at all. Wasted efforts of planting barren seeds, yielding nothing but inedible fruits. Under scorching heat, with miles and miles of infertile lands before me. I never thought I’d come to a day in which the price of dirt, would hold much more value than gold. 　

I awoke from dreaming
Of an empyreal loft
Reality was beseeming
When mockery scoffed 

Reality Check

His walking stick was his ego. He leaned on it, thought it was his support. When asked to drop it, the stick became a serpent. He himself now wiser, picked up the serpent and thus it became a stick again, therefore he conditioned his ego. He was more aware of potential fallacies ingrained in human nature. 

Behind the Orange Tree

The waiting has made
The blossoms into fruit
From oranges into the sun
How much longer?